Inner Alchemy Conversations w/ Xavier Dagba

E09 - Giving to yourself the closure you seek

• Xavier Dagba • Episode 9

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Closure is one of the most misunderstood concepts when it comes to relational healing and personal transformation. The way you relate to closure will either imprison you or it will empower you.

In this episode of Inner Alchemy Conversation, we explore redefining closure in a way that is conducive to more empowerment and more self liberation... and in a way that does not put your healing in the hands of the people that caused you pain to begin with.

Thank you for listening and please share if it resonates.

If you would like to deepen your transformative journey, check our membership community THE INNER ALCHEMY CIRCLE, so that you may learn how to lead your life from your heart and not your wounds. 

Much love,
- Xavier

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All right, everyone. Welcome back to inner alchemy conversations. My name is Xavier Dagba. I am your host and we are gonna be exploring today. Closure closure. In my opinion is one of the most misunderstood concepts when it comes to healing, when it comes to expansion and I would love. To use this conversation as a way to refine the concept of closure. And I'm inviting you to join me. And first you may be asking yourself the question, why am I calling this a conversation? This is literally a guy just speaking alone. And I tend to think that in this moment, you know, it's a conversation because your presence here. Yes. As you are listening, it's contributing to the creation in present time. And I know you are listening in a different now moment. When I recorded this and I still am stubborn enough to believe that the place you are relating to this video from actually contributed to the creation of this. So this is the context as we are leaning into this, I know it's a little weird, but hanging there with me. Um, closure, very difficult concept. And let's me, let me give you a little bit more context. As we dive into this conversation, as we dive in there and we, we are gonna dive as, as deep as I can go. So very often when it comes to healing, when it comes to healing, um, pain that unfolded through an interaction with any other human being, let's say friend, a parent, an ex, you know, We very often look at closure as some sort of like, you know, healing conversation that would. happening between, um, the two people or all the people, you know, that were involved in the incident that created, that caused the pain to unfold. When it comes to healing, very often people see closure as some sort of like, um, conversation between them and the, you know, the person that caused the pain that would bring. Understanding some validation, some kind of like release to a certain degree and explaining conversation. If I'm gonna put it, put it this way. Um, but closure goes be beyond this. It's it's not just conversational. It's not just conversational having closure. It's also about finally feeling that we are given permission. I'm gonna put that quote unquote, finally feeling that we have the capacity. To move forward, finally feeling that it's possible to actually, maybe let, go to move on at the very least finally feeling that we are at a place where something that was open is now closed in a way that allows you to move forward. And I'm inviting you to kind of like, you know, maybe for now, um, for the rest of the conversation, I will be more referring to that latter definition of closure or the way at the very least people tend to look at closure. Finally, finally, feeling that I am at place. I might, I am at a place where something that was painfully opened, something that was open and that caused quite a bit of. It's now at the very least close or at a place where it is no longer hindering my expansion no longer hindering, no longer, uh, um, no longer creating harm. or no longer diminishing the way I'm looking at myself no longer diminishing self worth. So this is just some sort of context. And I would love to hear actually what, how you're relating to closure, because this is gonna enrich, you know, this conversation. How are you actually relating to closure? Here is something that I find very, very disturbing about all the ways we've been condition. I've been conditioned and maybe you have to, um, to look at closure. We very often look at it as something that, for it to happen, we need the other person. The other person that was, um, there, when the, when the harm happened, when the pain happened, when the trauma unfolded. So very often closure it's con we tend to see it as something conditional. We tend to see it as something that needs to somewhat be facilitated or at the very least, um, there needs to be, um, the person that kind of caused the harm that caused the pain. they need to contribute to our closure. So very often you're gonna see that people tend to kind of like be a little bit. at the mercy when it comes to closure of people who cause them pain very often when it comes to family trauma and to, you know, childhood trauma, you'll see people needing to be understood somehow by their parents validated by their parents, have their parents, um, tell them some form of you or right. Or something of having some sort of that when it comes to any kind of trauma. sometimes people would love to be Val validated by their abuser, by their abusers, literally. And in my opinion, relating to closure in that way is also one of the most subtle ways to stay imprisoned. It is one of the most subtle forms of disempowerment. It is a very big hindrance to your own evolution, to your healing. So what I would like to do here is basically to expand the definition of closure, or maybe to shift the way we are relating to closure.. And the first thing that I would like to say is, in my opinion, a very important tenant for authentic closure is it is something that cannot possibly be conditional to receiving validation, to receiving understanding from the people that caused you pain. And in my opinion, that is a very key tenant closure cannot possibly. B, um, conditional to receiving validation, to receiving understanding, to receiving some sort of like credit from people who cause you pain. It may happen if you are. So, um, you know, if you are so fortunate to be at a place where you have the people that caused your harm, come around and say, you know, I really did something that wasn't okay when this and this happened. And I hope you can find the strength within yourself to forgive me if you are ever fortunate to have something similar. Great, fantastic. And maybe thiss may facilitate your closure. Maybe this may facilitate you purging and releasing all the pain that was accumulated in your body and moving forward, if you are fortunate enough to have. but in a very realistic sense, which we need to be at some point that doesn't happen very often. Very often people are embedded in their own defensiveness, defensiveness solves righteousness. So these kinds of like interactions where you get validated. Understood by people who cause you pain. Sometimes it doesn't happen. That's a sad reality. So closure in on its own needs to be, in my opinion, an act of empowerment. It needs to be an affirmation of a statement such as my self liberation cannot possibly be conditional to the approval and validation. And. understanding of people who cause me pain, in my opinion, closure needs to be an affirmation of something like this, an affirmation of empowerment. So what does it look like in other situations? Let's say that for, for example, um, something that you went through caused you to embrace, to, to repress so many parts within yourself to repress your desires. To even repress your capacity to say no. And to assert a boundary, especially in the presence of people that caused that pain closure, in my opinion, would look like reclaiming. The ability to be in their presence and to actually voice the boundaries that you may need. Divine disconfirming, your ability to disconfirm the spell to disconfirm the patterns that showed up in risk. To whatever pain unfolded in the presence, your ability to reclaim your authenticity in the presence, your ability to reclaim your authenticity in all the places where in response to the harm that you received, you made the unconscious choice to shut down. So the way I'm inviting you to look at closure is first the first tenants, in my opinion, it, what if it didn't have to be Condit? To receiving any approval or validation whatsoever. What if actually it's symptomatic of the fact that your own approval, your own validation, your own understanding is actually what is lacking? What if it's an invitation to rebuild intimacy with your own sense of self esteem, even though the people who cause you pain are unable to see. I'm inviting you next to look at closure as an affirmation of empowerment, as an affirmation of empowerment. And very often what is actually needed is when we trust ourselves when we trust ourselves and I'm inviting you to feel that again, when we trust ourselves, if it happened to unfold again, that the same kind of circumstances that caused you. Huge pain in the past. If these circumstances were to come to happen again, that we would respond in a more empowered, authentic and embodied way. When we trust ourselves that we have the work, we have reclaimed the capacity to be able to do that. Sometimes it's actually easier to move on and to, to, to, to, to shift. So, this is what I would like to offer about how you relate to closure about this conversation, um, on closure and in such an important. To, um, it's such an important conversation at the moment. I'm gonna share with you a little bit of a writing that I had down about closure. And for those of you who would like to follow me on Instagram and see that right there, you may find it there. My Instagram is xve dot daba. Zier dot daba. Be careful. You may see a lot of fake accounts. So first one, what if the closure you seek is not about getting others to acknowledge how much pain they caused. What if it is about trusting yourself to no longer shut down your authentic and compassionate self-expression in their presence, regardless of how they receive it. That's the first piece of writing. The next one that I would like to share. Sometimes the definition of closure that we hold onto is precisely what is keeping us hostage, wanting to receive validation from the people that cause you pain is a valid longing. It is indeed valid. In my opinion, it is also one of the best ways to remain trapped. Would you. and the next one, what if the closure you seek is trusting yourself to stay in your body and connect it to your heart and power even in their presence. What if the presence no longer had the power to cause you to shut down your authentic self and your heart? What if that's all the closure you need, what if trusting that ability is actually all the closure you needed? I'm inviting you to reflect on that because closure, in my opinion needs to be an affirmation of empowerment. It needs to be a recognition of your own empowerment. And when that empowerment has actually been recognized, it is easier for the soul to feel like, okay, my job is done with this aspect of my human. when that empowerment has been reaffirmed, it is easier for the soul to say, Alrighty, my job is done with this aspect of my human journey and it is now safe for me to move on. It is now safe for me to, to evolve, to expand to another, um, aspect of my path. I'm inviting you to think about it. First thing to remember, closure cannot be conditional to the approval. And the validation of people who hurt you, who caused you pain. The second thing think about closure as an affirmation of your own empowerment. And as you actually embody that power, once again, and you trust your ability to show up in your power in the places where previously you would've shut down, then it's. It is actually the place of closure in my opinion. So I hope this helped. I'm inviting you to share your comments below. I would, uh, love to read your own take on what closure is, and I hope that this is actually bringing or at the very least illuminating a way of looking at closure that makes you feel that you are more in charge of your old path.