E10 - How reconciling with your anger can help heal self abandonment. Artwork

Inner Alchemy Conversations w/ Xavier Dagba

Inner Alchemy Conversations, is an open discussion about how to create your life from your heart, not from your wounds. This is an invitation to join Xavier on a journey of healing the trauma and triggers that caused you to navigate life from inner divide. He demystifies how we can more fully embody our divinity, humanness, masculine, and feminine to liberate ourselves from past conditioning. It is Xavier’s mission to remind you how to reclaim your wholeness and lift the energetic anchors that have kept you from your authentic voice, inner knowing and truest potential. Xavier is a trauma informed transformational life coach, shadow work facilitator, intuitive healer, and emotional alchemist. He powerfully bridges shadow work, trauma work and inner child healing with his intuitive coaching style, to help thought leaders, lightworkers and entrepreneurs bridge inner divide, heal at a much deeper level and lead more compassionately. Find out more about his work & Join the Inner Alchemy Circle here: www.xavierdagba.com.

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Inner Alchemy Conversations w/ Xavier Dagba

E10 - How reconciling with your anger can help heal self abandonment.

April 18, 2023 • Xavier Dagba • Episode 10

This episode is a deep dive into the link between the way we relate to anger and our propensity to self abandonment.

We explore how stepping in the appropriate relationship with our own anger, will help us heal self abandonment and deepen intimacy in our relationship.

Join me on a mystical journey to heal your relationship with anger and turn it into a force for personal transformation and intimacy. Click the link below to save your spot. Awakening heart-centered anger. Happening Sat Apr 22nd.
https://xavier-dagba.mykajabi.com/workshop-anger

Much love,
- Xavier

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0:01

Let's talk about the sacred link between your relationship with your own anger and your propensity to self abandonment.

0:11

I think it's a really interesting conversation if you're new here, my name is Xavier Dagba.

0:16

And the whole purpose of this space is to ignite conversations that spark self liberation.

0:23

So let's go back to the theme of this conversation.

0:26

We're gonna be talking about anger.

0:28

We're gonna be talking about self abandonment.

0:30

We're gonna be talking about how they are linked and how you can actually begin to step in a proper relationship with your own anger so that you can diminish your self abandonment tendencies.

0:44

That is the whole point.

0:46

So let's first define self abandonment.

0:48

What is it?

0:49

It is all the ways we consciously or unconsciously shut down our authenticity.

0:55

We show up in ways that are not truly aligned with what we truly feel internally.

1:02

These are all the ways we are not in alignment with our inner self.

1:06

That is how I relate to self abandonment.

1:08

And now it is really important to also ponder the question, what do, why do we even self abandon to begin with?

1:17

And what I would love to say is we often self abandon because we are under the impression that taking a stand for who we truly are will lead us into a potential conflict.

1:29

I wanna say that again because it's so important for this whole topic.

1:32

For this whole conversation, we often self abandon because we are under the impression that taking a stand for authenticity for our inner truth will lead us into a potentially conflicting situation, a situation that we think may be unsafe and therefore we usually tend to self abandon.

1:55

So the keyword here is conflict, your propensity to self abandonment will depend on the ways you are able or willing to navigate conflict.

2:07

Very often, you will find out that people who have a high tendency to be conflict, avoidant will abandon themselves.

2:16

And how do we now link it to anger?

2:20

Anger is the fuel of conflict.

2:23

I'm gonna put it in that kind of blatant and bland way.

2:27

It is gonna be very challenging to lean into a conflicting situation, conflicting situation if you are not in touch with your anger.

2:41

So very often there are two main spectrums here.

2:45

If I'm gonna put it this way, there are people that have that, that have repressed their anger and usually they are not even able to source from it.

2:56

They are not even able to tap into it.

2:58

And because of that, they do not trust their ability to navigate conflict, they do not trust their ability to take a stand for themselves.

3:07

They literally do not have the juice, the emotional, the energetic juice that is needed to stand into a conflicting situation.

3:15

Situation.

3:17

I tend to come, you know, I tend to use a lot of the word situation here.

3:21

I don't know why.

3:22

So they, they have a tendency to run away from, from conflict because of that.

3:27

So that's how repressing our anger and trying to put it in the dark, to keep it in the dark, to keep it in the shadows can inhibit our ability to show up in situations that are difficult that are conflicting.

3:41

And then there is the other spectrum.

3:42

There are usually people that have a very explosive relationship with anger.

3:47

These are the ones that are usually very quick to anger and usually they tend to just like boom explode.

3:53

There are specific situations where they will also default to self abandonment and these are the situations where they care about who they are in conflict with because usually when we care about who we are in conflict with, we don't want to hurt, we don't want to be aggressive towards them.

4:12

We don't want to be hostile.

4:13

And I tend to see usually a lot of men that are in that category, usually when their anger is really explosive, their main default.

4:23

And this is not just men, many people that have that kind of like explosive relationship with their anger, they usually have a tendency to shut down because they don't want to be hurtful, they don't want to be aggressive.

4:36

So they will instead shut down in both situations.

4:40

Whether it's the person with the repressed anger or the person that has a very highly explosive anger, they happen to be sometimes in situations where their relationship with anger is what will cause them not to meet the potentially conflicting situation, situation and therefore they will make the choice to abandon themselves.

5:05

So that is one of the what that is one of the main links that I want to underline here in both situations.

5:13

The outcome is there is not only self abandonment and conflict, avoidance.

5:19

The outcome is also it is hijacking and inhibiting intimacy.

5:25

I'm gonna say that again, in both cases, having a poor relationship with our own anger will not just lead to self abandonment most of the time, it will also lead to inhibited intimacy relationships.

5:38

And that is one of the reasons why some relationships become stale because there is not enough bravery on one or both sides to address the conflicting situations that are still there.

5:54

I want to say something about relational conflict because I think it's really important.

6:01

The highest purpose of relational conflict is to be the space where intimacy gets deepened.

6:08

When we approach it from a very mature perspective, the highest purpose of relational conflict needs to be the space where intimacy deepens because relational conflict is basically signifying that there is a misalignment, there is a disconnection, whether it's someone's needs that are not being met or someone that feels not really honored and respected or a misalignment in values relational conflict emerge to weld together what was once broken.

6:42

So when we mature in the way we are relating to relational conflict, we can actually deepen intimacy.

6:49

But in order to be able to do that, it demands that we also mature the way we relate to anger.

6:55

And not just seeing anger as something that needs to either be buried or, you know, expressed to aggressive tendencies and hostility or passive aggression or any other and healthy ways.

7:06

But stepping in a place where we can actually stay in touch with our anger without giving into aggressive tendencies, staying in touch with our anger.

7:16

And at the same time, remaining connected to our capacity to care for compassion and keeping our heart open.

7:24

And this is what I usually call a heart centered anger.

7:28

Our job in this journey of awakening is to also awaken heart centered anger because that is a catalyst to deepen intimacy.

7:38

It's a catalyst to really bothering the relationship, all the other relationships in your own in your life.

7:45

It's a catalyst to also, you know, really empowering yourself in your capacity to meet your own fears.

7:54

Because anger and healthy anger is also something that we need to source.

8:00

We are going to be authentic, authentic means standing up for what is true to self.

8:07

If you're going to be authentic, you need a healthy relationship with your own anger.

8:11

If you're gonna face your fears, you need to source from your own anger because it is the inner revolt that says I will not let these fears cause me to shut down my heart.

8:23

It takes to have a healthy relationship with your anger.

8:26

And if this is a work that you would love to do Saturday, April 22nd, I am holding a workshop on awakening heart centered anger.

8:35

And I'm inviting you to check the link in the description to meet me there so that we can really dive deep there and awaken this power that is usually repressed.

8:47

And that most of the time people are not truly in touch with so that you can not only deepen your relationships but also deepen your capacity to stand in the true embodiment of who you truly are.

9:00

Thank you for listening.

9:02

And if this resonated with you, please share it with people who might need it.